It has been a year, almost to the minute as I write this that I found out my mother left this earth. I thought I could prepare myself to lose her, after all, she was 81 years old. I thought I could avoid that deep, deep sorrow. by telling myself it was inevitable. I was wrong.
The next day, I sat on that same bathroom floor where she died and cried so hard, I thought I would never stop. I picked up her clothes and slippers and cradled them. I tried to smell her, feel her, anything to bring her back to me. The tears and uncontrollable sobbing made it hard to breath. I cried out to God, to make the pain stop, but it felt like He was not there, like I was all alone and this pain would never end. My mother was not a believer, my brothers are atheists, and I felt like I was in a cold Godless box that I would have to climb out on my own.
As the executor of the estate, I had a lot of work to do over this past year. The hardest part of my duties, was selling our childhood home. So many memories wrapped with my kids, parents, brothers, nieces, cousins and friends in that home. The day I left the house for the last time, I walked through each room and wrote down memories that occurred in them. I sat on the living room floor where my moms favorite chair used to sit and talked to her. Part of me never wanted to leave that house, and part couldn't wait to get out of there.
I drove off the Island and headed home, I got about 30 minutes away when the devastating wave of grief hit me again. Grief of losing my mother, my childhood home. Grief that just 3 days before my mother passed another family member took his own life. Grief that I could not be there for his wife and kids like I had promised. It was like waves crashing down on me. I would come up for air, only to have them hit me again and again. I was crying out to God to please help me. "I am drowning, where are you?" I felt like the waves of pain and grief would never stop. I turned on the radio and hit "seek". The song that came on was on AIR1 ( a christian radio station) and the lyrics were about waves crashing down and how God is there to pull us out of the ocean. I Immediately felt His presence. Although I still had pain, I also had a sense of peace. I knew this was God letting me know he was indeed there to help me through this. He never left me. "It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8
You might be wondering why I am sharing this very personal story of grief and loss. I believe God wants me to. "What he brings us through, he makes us a minister to." Perry Atkinson. I believe he wants you to know, that HE is always there. Sometimes, we just need to slow down and seek Him. 1 Chronicles 16:11
"Seek the LORD and His strength; Seek His face continually".
I also want you to know, that grief and sorrow as painful as they are, can be a VERY necessary part of healing. I am a (recovering) control freak,who used to stuff my feelings deep down in fear of actually feeling them, I feared I might not recover if I did.Even though they are almost always unexpected and inconvenient, I have learned to let the pain and tears flow when they come I have learned that by allowing myself to feel the pain, I am also allowing myself the opportunity to feel great joy.
Psalm 30:5 " weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."
I have also allowed myself to see the blessings. While dealing with the estate, I started attending a local church and became friends with the pastors wife. I spent more time with childhood friends and reconnected with people I had not seen in years. After the sale of mom and dads home, I was able to bless many of the non profits I care so deeply about. I believe there is always a blessing in every hardship.
On the other side of grief for me is gratitude. "How lucky am I to have had something that makes saying goodbye so hard. : Winnie the Pooh.
So now, as I again feel the wave of loss, I also rejoice in the blessings that have resulted and look forward to the joy that is to come.
